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When a friend or acquaintance suffers the loss of a loved one, it’s hard to know what to say. Expressing condolences is always a challenge because no matter what you say it never seems like enough. If you knew the deceased, it’s a little easier to come up with the right sympathy messages .
In that case, you at least have personal experiences to draw from. If you didn’t know the deceased though, you can still add a personalized touch to a condolence letter. Read on for some tips on how to compose a thoughtful condolence note.
We’ve also provided samples of condolence letters for inspiration as you write your own.
The truth is it is very rarely inappropriate to write a condolence letter. People who are grieving need all the support they can get. Even if you don’t know them well, they won’t think it’s weird for you to send a condolence letter. If anything, they’ll appreciate receiving compassion from an unexpected source.
Sometimes, however, you should be cautious about sending a condolence letter. If you’ve had a falling out with someone, they may not appreciate you reaching out to them during an already emotional time. Conversely, they may appreciate you putting bad feelings aside to offer support. In instances like this, it’s important to use your best judgment.
Now that we’ve established who should send a condolence letter, let’s talk about the timeline. Ideally, you should send a condolence letter within two weeks of a loss.
If you’ve never been in a position to write a condolence letter before, you may not know about the etiquette surrounding this practice. We’ll do our best to demystify it for you.
The main thing people are often concerned about is whether or not it is appropriate for them to send a condolence letter. For example, if the person who suffered a loss is a co-worker or casual acquaintance, you may worry that sending condolences is an overstep. Or if you didn’t know much about the deceased, you might worry that you won’t say the right words. If it’s been longer than two weeks, you shouldn’t feel like you’ve missed your window. It’s never too late to show your support.
Having guidelines to follow can be a great help when it comes to crafting a condolence letter. Here are some things you should be sure to include in yours.
There’s something much more meaningful about writing a letter by hand and sending it via mail. An email or typed and printed letter can feel cold and impersonal.
Taking the time to pick out a nice card or piece of stationery and putting pen to paper is a thoughtful gesture.
People who are grieving appreciate getting condolence letters. But, they may not have the emotional energy to read several pages worth of writing. A paragraph or two is more than enough. Whenever possible try to send it in the three days following the death of the person.
Even if it is difficult for you to write something, do your best. Sending it quickly is important. Putting it off and sending it a month or two later will make it seem like it was a low priority. You can always send a follow-up note a few months later just to let them know you’re still thinking of them.
When someone dies, people sometimes feel like they have to shy away from mentioning them by name. They don’t want to bring pain to the deceased’s loved ones.
So they end up avoiding using the deceased’s name entirely. In truth, that can end up causing loved ones more pain. Most people want to talk about and hear about their loved ones, even if it hurts.
People might also skirt around mentioning specific details of the deceased. But we want to be reminded of the positive things about our loved ones after they die. If you can, list some specific attributes of the deceased. Even if you didn’t know them, you likely heard about them. You can write about how supportive they were, or how talented they were.
If you did know them, you could also recount a favorite memory of them. Adding these personal details will make your condolence letter feel more special. And it allows those grieving to see how important their loved one was to others.
It’s okay to be sad that someone you know has died. Even if you didn’t know the deceased well, you’ll likely feel sympathy for your friend or loved one.
But you want to make sure you’re not doing it in a way that overshadows the feelings of the deceased’s family and friends. Try to shy away from using words like “heartbroken” or “devastated”. A simple “I’m sorry for your loss,” is effective and sincere without being overdramatic.
Almost everyone has said to a grieving friend, “Please let me know if I can do anything.” This sounds like a nice offer on the surface, but you’re putting the bereaved in the position of having to ask for help. They may feel uncomfortable approaching you for something specific. Or they might ask you for help with something you can’t do. It may also be hard to tell who wants to help, versus who is saying that just to have something to say.
Instead, offer them specific things that you are comfortable doing for them. Certain favors, like taking their kids for some time during the weekend or dropping off some food, are good options. These are tangible offers of help that the bereaved can accept.
Your condolence letters will look different depending on who you send it to. Here are some sample condolence letters for a variety of occasions.
I was sorry to hear about your father passing away. I know he had been sick for a while, but our whole family was hoping he’d pull through. I lost my father last year, but I know that doesn’t mean I know what you’re going through.
Every relationship is different, and every loss we suffer is unique to us. Still, I hope you know that I’m always here to listen if you want to talk. And if you’re not up for talking that’s okay too. I’ll bring over a six-pack and we can watch the hockey game together.
I only met your dad a few times, but I know he was so proud of you. He was so excited about your recent promotion. He couldn’t stop talking about you and everything you have achieved when I talked with him at your Labor Day barbecue.
Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.
I was sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. It’s so difficult to lose a family member. While I never met Levi, I do know the two of you were very close. I do not doubt that his death is very hard for you and the rest of your family.
I just wanted you to know that you’re in my thoughts. I’m sure you have a lot on your plate right now. I’ll reach out in a few weeks to see if there’s anything I can help you with. In the meantime, I’ll be keeping you in my heart.
I’m so sorry to hear about your mother’s passing. Nina was a very special woman. I have such fond memories of growing up and spending the night at your house. My mother wasn’t around much growing up, and yours really took me under her wing.
She always tried to include me in special events like shopping for prom dresses and birthday celebrations. I still remember the cake she baked for my 21st birthday. Her love meant more to me than I could ever express.
It means so much to me that now our little girls are friends, too. I know you want to keep Sarah close to you right now. But if there’s ever a time you need a little space to yourself, just say the word. I’ll come to pick her up and she can spend the night with Lucy at my house. I’m going to call you next weekend too and see if you two are up for a playdate at the park.
Dear Aunt Cathy,
I am so sorry to hear that Uncle Brad has passed away. He fought hard against his cancer diagnosis. No matter how sick he felt, I never heard him complain or act defeated. That was so in-character for him. He was always committed to tackling whatever was in his path. I never met anyone with more perseverance.
I’m going to miss so many things about him, from his amazing holiday meals to his terrible jokes. I know that doesn’t hold a candle to how much you miss him.
I’m coming over next week with Mom, and I can’t wait to see you and give you a big hug. I just wanted to send this note first to let you know I’m thinking of you.
I’m sorry to hear that Mary passed away. I remember meeting her last year at the company Christmas party. She was so warm and kind. I enjoyed getting to talk to her. The two of you had such a special relationship.
I wanted to let you know not to worry about taking some time off from work. I’m happy to check in with your clients and answer their questions until you’re able to get back to the office. Just take your time healing and spend some time with the kids. We’ll be here when you’re ready to come back.
Again, I’m incredibly sorry for your loss.
Dear Mrs. Swanson,
I’m writing on behalf of the team at Sheffield Industries to express our condolences for the loss of your husband. Tyrone was more than just a valued member of our team. He was the heart and soul of this office. Whenever anyone needed something, whether it was help with work or to talk through something personal, he was always there.
In the spirit of Tyrone, we want to assure you that we’ll always consider you and your children part of the Sheffield family. Whatever you need, we will help in any way we can. It’s the very least we can do.
Our condolences for this tragic loss.
Dear Professor Byrne,
I’m so sorry to hear about the recent passing of your son. I know it was very unexpected, and I can’t imagine what you and Mrs. Byrne are going through. While I never got to meet Cameron, I felt as if I knew him from all of your stories. It was very evident just how proud you were of his accomplishments.
I think your relationship with Cameron informed your professional life in many ways. I know he and I were the same age, and I think it helped you relate to all of your students on a different level than many other teachers.
I understand that you’re taking a hiatus from teaching while you grieve. If you feel up for having visitors, I’d love to come by. If you think it would help you to talk about Cameron, I’d be happy to hear more stories about him. Otherwise, I’ll come by during your office hours once you’re back on campus to check-in.
My sincerest condolences,
I was deeply saddened to hear about Jacob’s passing. I know that you were partners in life as well as in business, and that kind of loss is unfathomable. Jacob had such a brilliant mind. But beyond that, I appreciated his integrity. The world has lost a great light.
This is obviously a massive transition for you, both personally and professionally. I understand that business won’t be at the top of your priority list right now. We want to go ahead and waive our monthly fees for the next three months while still offering technical support to your staff if they need it during your absence. You don’t need to worry about additional expenses right now.
If there’s anything else we can do to support you or your business at this time, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
CEO, Tech Solutions
I’m so sorry to hear about your father’s passing. I understand he has been ill for quite some time, but there’s no way to prepare yourself for something like this.
We’ve talked many times about how complicated your relationship with your father was. Despite your differences, I’m so proud of you for stepping up and taking care of him over the past several months. That can’t have been easy.
As you know, my mom and I were estranged when she died, so I have a lot of empathy for you. I’m sure you’re wrestling with some complex feelings right now. Grief is already difficult enough, even before adding conflicting emotions to the mix. If you need to talk openly and honestly, I’m always here to talk with no judgment.
I’m writing to express my sorrow after the death of your sister. Alicia was such a remarkable young woman, and she will be missed by all who knew and loved her.
You were more than just a brother to Alicia - you were her whole world. She often talked about what a fantastic person you were. After your mom passed, you stepped up and raised her even though you were barely an adult yourself. She was so appreciative of how you put your life on hold and never made her feel like a burden.
I know you must be devastated after experiencing yet another tragic loss. Please know that you’re not alone in this. Alicia was my best friend, and I know she’d want me to take care of you the same way you cared for her for all of these years. I’d love to drop some meals off for you later this week if you’re up for it.
I’m incredibly sorry to hear that Scott has passed. I know how ill he was, but I kept hoping that somehow, he would pull through. If anyone could have overcome that prognosis, it would have been him. He adored you so much, and I know he fought hard to stay with you as long as he could.
I was so fortunate to stand next to you as your maid of honor on the day you got married, and I will continue to stand by your side throughout this process. Anything you need, I will be here for you. Just text me if you need to talk, any time of the day or night. If you need a change of scenery for a while, my guest room has your name on it.
Love you always,
I’m reaching out to let you know how sorry I am about Joe. I do not doubt that many people - including you - are taking care of his family during this terrible time. But I know how close you two were, and I want to make sure you’re also receiving support.
I have so many fond memories of our group of high school friends. I was thinking maybe we could get together with some the old crew and have a toast to Joe’s memory in a few weeks. Let me know if you’re interested, and I’ll put it together. In the meantime, I’m here if you need a shoulder to lean on.
The most important thing to remember when it comes to expressing your condolences is to speak from the heart. Before you sit down to write it, take a few moments to think about who you’re writing about. If you didn’t know the deceased personally, reflect instead on the way their loved ones spoke about them. Think of the things you admired or the good qualities you heard about them. If you did know them, try to share a special memory or moment that their loved one might not know.
Whatever you write, share it with honesty and care. Ultimately, you want to bring comfort to the bereaved. Being kind about their loved one is the best way to achieve that goal.
